


the syntax of things

by telluricThanatologist



Category: Free!
Genre: Coming Out, Friendship, M/M, Secret Crush, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:18:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telluricThanatologist/pseuds/telluricThanatologist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know," Nagisa muses, "if you went to Keio, you might see Haru-chan around." He deftly lifts his legs to cross them beneath himself. "Or if you went to Soudai, maybe you could study or even room with Mako-chan..."</p><p>At Makoto's name, Rei's fingers slide right past the pen he'd intended to retrieve and close on thin air instead.</p><p>He would consider it, but he doesn't know that it's wise for him to approach Makoto at the moment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the syntax of things

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sakuramiko16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuramiko16/gifts).



The fourth time Rei has finished re-sorting and re-aligning each pile of thick, glossy university brochures adorning the table in the centre of his bedroom, he begins to acknowledge that the decision he vowed to finalize by the end of this afternoon is -- _slightly_ more challenging than he had anticipated.

Exactly four hours and fifteen minutes have passed since he first firmly shut his bedroom door, drew his curtains, and sat down here, fully intending to settle at last upon no more than three universities to which he will apply. It occurs to him, to his great dismay, that he has sunk into what could be charitably described as a slouch since then. He straightens and rolls his shoulders, then reaches for his notes once more.

Breathing, too, is crucial, he reminds himself. He proceeds to count four seconds with each inhalation and six seconds with each exhalation, _inhale_ , 2, 3, 4, _exhale_ , 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

To his credit, _most_ of the universities on the list he'd compiled several days ago (colour-coded and cross-referenced, naturally, and complete with charts detailing each university's minimum requirements for its respective Mathematics and Physics departments, its starting and ending dates for applications to begin classes next spring, its average class size, and other such essential information) now have a long, straight red line struck neatly through their names. 

Considering that his initial list numbered twenty-five schools, however, this does not serve as much comfort. 

Rei recalls a quotation from his most recent Philosophy class session, within which he managed to remain _almost_ fully awake for the entire lecture on the myriad hardships and indignities Soren Kierkegaard had suffered throughout his short life. _Only the difficult inspires the noble-hearted._ Thinking of this is also of distressingly little comfort.

"So, how many have you narrowed it down to, Rei-chan?" Nagisa inquires. He arrived at Rei's apartment two hours and forty-six minutes ago in a flurry of various alarmingly sweet pastries 'to keep your strength up, Rei-chan!' and promises of moral support, then immediately secured his customary position sprawled atop Rei's bed, arms spread wide and legs swinging from its edge. Rei faintly notes that approximately half of the pastries have since taken their leave.

 _Exhale_ , 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Rei slides his glasses up from where they had been perched precariously on the end of his nose. "I... believe I've succeeded in reducing my pool of options to eleven," he admits.

Nagisa sits up, his eyes bright. "That's not bad!"

"It _is_ bad," Rei moans. 

It's not only bad, it's _awful_. Moreover, in fact, it's _dreadful_ ; he cannot even _think_ of scattering his energy and time by applying to every university that captures his interest. Even if he were accepted to every single one, that would not even remotely serve to dispel the problem of needing to choose one to attend, and this will have a profound impact on his _entire life_ , and it's already 4.56 PM, and only a scant three weeks remain before Toudai begins to accept new applicants, for instance, and only two and a _half_ weeks before Oxford's application period opens, and if he does indeed decide to study overseas, he absolutely must seize every opportunity to perfect his English, and perhaps enroll in additional English-language classes prior to beginning his university studies, but how on _Earth_ can he even consider that much when he scored a mere 86% on his most recent English test?

"Your English is just fine, Rei-chan," Nagisa says.

Rei flinches violently. An errant pen spins away across the table and tumbles to the floor. "I beg your pardon, Nagisa-kun?" he splutters.

"I think your English is definitely good enough to study overseas if you want!"

"Thank you for your kind words, Nagisa-kun, but I'm afraid I don't know what brought you to the topic."

Nagisa's brow furrows. "You were talking about it just now. You were saying all these things like," -- he lowers his voice in an alleged approximation of Rei's own and mimes adjusting a pair of glasses -- "' _There are_ only _three weeks until Toudai begins to take applications and my application essay just isn't sufficiently_ beautiful _yet!_ '" He laughs a little, though not unkindly. "You were pretty much yelling, actually."

Rei feels a fiery flush overtake him. "I..." He decides to leave aside the fact that he most definitely was _not_ voicing his legitimate concerns in such terms. "I wasn't aware that I was speaking aloud. Please forgive me."

"It's okay, Rei-chan," Nagisa says serenely. He leans forward and holds out what appears to be pain au choc. "Do you want one of these?"

Rei smiles in spite of himself. "That's quite all right, Nagisa-kun." The last thing he needs at the moment is a spike in his blood sugar.

"You know," Nagisa muses, "if you went to Keio, you might see Haru-chan around." He deftly lifts his legs to cross them beneath himself. " _Or_ if you went to Soudai, maybe you could study or even room with Mako-chan..."

At Makoto's name, Rei's fingers slide right past the pen he'd intended to retrieve and close on thin air instead.

He would consider it, but he doesn't know that it's wise for him to approach Makoto at the moment.

Not now that he has, well -- now that it has become apparent to him just _how acutely_ he misses Makoto's presence. Of course missing his former schoolmate and teammate is natural, he supposes, to a certain extent. In addition to being their swim club captain, Makoto had always been a warm, stable constant in all of their lives when he was in Iwatobi.

No, no, it isn't simply that Rei is missing Makoto, but that he has been finding his thoughts drifting to the older boy again and again for months. He thinks not only of Makoto's friendship and support and compassion, of his astounding courage and selflessness when he tried to save Rei's life -- but of the raw beauty of Makoto's backstroke, of his long, strong arms slicing through the water as he swam, of the breadth of his shoulders and the spray of freckles over his nose, of the sunny smile that has imprinted itself on his mind as clearly as _f=ma_ , and a thousand other things he can scarcely admit even to himself.

He can't see Makoto again now that he misses him _more_ , or _differently_ , he is sure, than is typical.

Not now.

"Rei-chan?" Nagisa asks softly.

Rei looks up, startled out of his thoughts.

"You looked a little sad for a second there," Nagisa tells him.

Rei begins to open his mouth to protest, then hesitates. 'Sad' may not quite be the right word. Or perhaps it would, if only in small measure.

Nagisa is peering at him with a frown and a tilt of his head. A powerful wave of guilt sweeps over Rei. He pulls the smile back onto his face and prays that Nagisa will miss the strain in it. "Please don't worry about me, Nagisa-kun," he says. "I promise you that I am perfectly fine." He _is_ fine, strictly speaking, at least for certain values of 'fine'.

Nagisa looks at him for a moment longer, and then another, and another still. "Okay," he finally says, even more quietly than before. "You know you wouldn't be bugging Haru-chan or Mako-chan if you asked them to show you the sights around their campuses, right? Or even among the entire districts where they're living now! Maybe that would help you out here."

"I believe Haruka-senpai will be departing Tokyo for a training camp within the coming week."

"Then give Mako-chan a call in the meantime."

"Nagisa-kun, Makoto-senpai is sure to..." To notice his secret, because Makoto notices these things, notices them and is achingly kind about them even if -- when -- he surely, surely doesn't feel the same way. "...To be very busy," he finishes, only a little weakly.

Nagisa shrugs. "Probably." He reaches for the plate beside him. "But he'd make time for you, and he has Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays off."

Rei heaves a sigh (and privately fends off the flutter deep in his chest at the words 'he'd make time for you'). "A student does not have _days off_ , only days upon which they have _no classes scheduled_ , Nagisa-kun."

"Right, right." Nagisa gaily waves a hand that is already wrapped around another roll of pain au choc. "Okay, he has _no classes scheduled_ on those days."

"Fair, certainly, but Tokyo is very far away--"

"You can bring a DS on the train!"

"I don't own a DS."

"You can borrow mine. Or bring a book or homework or something! You just need to be able to pass the time for seven and a half hours or so."

"That's a very kind offer, thank you, Nagisa-kun, but in any case, I really mustn't impose upon Makoto-senpai--"

" _Rei-chan_ ," Nagisa shouts.

Rei's train of thought shudders to a stop. Silence stretches between the two of them for several agonizing moments. Then, Nagisa asks, "Did something happen with Mako-chan?"

 _Did something happen?_ "I don't understand what you mean."

"I mean, did you have a fight or something?" Nagisa's frown from earlier has returned. "It just seems like you keep making all these excuses not to just go ahead and ask him if he can give you a quick tour or just hang out. The worst thing he can say is that he can't."

" _No_ ," Rei says quickly. "No, it's only..." It's only a foolish infatuation that he has no intention of divulging to anyone at all, least of all Makoto, and it would be even more foolish not to simply wait until it has passed. 

He's embarrassed himself in front of Makoto far too many times already.

Nagisa picks himself up off of the bed and takes a seat beside Rei on the floor, scooting closer and laying a hand on Rei's arm. "Rei-chan," he says gently. "We're all friends here. The best of friends. And we always will be. 'There won't be an end to us'. Remember?"

Rei does. He swallows hard and stares down at his hands.

"So... can you tell me what's wrong? Like, you don't have to if you don't want to! That's okay too. But you've got to admit, even if Mako-chan is mad at you, or you're mad at him, there's no _way_ that's gonna last and you know it."

Rei sighs. He blinks hard, squares his shoulders, grips the edge of his table as if to stabilize himself. Nagisa is right, as usual.

"It isn't... it isn't that I've had an... a confrontation with Makoto-senpai, no," he begins; Nagisa nods encouragingly. "Rather, I seem to have... that is, it _appears_ that I--"

The rest of the words dissolve in his mouth. Nagisa squeezes his arm lightly.

He can't give up now. "I believe," Rei resumes, louder now, "that I have come to consider Makoto-senpai in a light that is..." He takes a shaky breath. "Romantic. In nature."

Nagisa is quiet. Only Rei's wall clock makes any sound at all. Dread swells in Rei's heart and surges up his throat; he squeezes his eyes shut; a single thought begins to loop in his mind with every second the clock strikes: _this was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake._

He distantly hears Nagisa say something beside him. He opens his eyes.

"I," _this was a mistake,_ "I'm sorry, Nagisa-kun?"

"I said, 'really?'."

Rei blinks and cautiously looks around at Nagisa. Nagisa's eyes are wide, as wide as Rei has ever seen them, but he tentatively takes comfort in that he doesn't see anything but surprise in his dear friend's face -- no fear, no disgust.

"Yes," he says, falteringly, not quite daring to breathe a sigh of relief just yet.

The surprise on Nagisa's face melts into curiosity. "Does Mako-chan know?"

Rei shakes his head. Nagisa dips a hand into his pocket, fishes out his phone, and tosses it to Rei. Rei fumblingly catches it.

"So," Nagisa says, nodding at the pearlescent pink phone in Rei's hand. The corners of his mouth are turning up once more. 

For the second time today, Rei feels as though he has grievously misunderstood something. "Nagisa-kun," he says faintly, and promptly finds himself at a loss as to how to finish that sentence, and quite how to process the feeling of lightness, of _light_ , that seems to be streaming through his chest like long ladders of sunshine through a library window, and indeed most other things, for that matter.

"I think you should tell Mako-chan," Nagisa says plainly. "Or at least get the ball rolling. It's all the more reason for you to spend time with him, isn't it?"

"Is it?"

"Sure it is!" Upon taking note of Rei's continued bewilderment, Nagisa gives an exaggerated groan. "Come on, Rei-chan, obviously sitting around cooped up in your room hasn't been much good for much of anything."

"I made _some_ progress," Rei responds, just slightly affronted.

"So make some more. Do you want me to go somewhere else so you have some privacy?"

Rei considers this proposition -- finding, simultaneously, that his mouth seems to be unable to resist slipping into a smile of his own. "I'm grateful, Nagisa-kun, but I am sure I will not be telling Makoto-senpai anything excessively incriminating."

Nagisa laughs. "If you say so. I'll just be right here, then. Moral support," he adds with a wink.

"Moral support," Rei agrees. "That said, I think I might opt for my own phone, if that would be acceptable."

"Oh." Nagisa looks down at his phone in Rei's hand. He chuckles. "Yeah, I guess you don't _really_ need mine to do that, huh."

Rei pulls out his own phone and slides it open, scrolling through his contacts, selecting _Tachibana Makoto_ , and -- after just a second of hesitation -- pressing 'Call'. 

The phone begins to ring. _Inhale_ , 2, 3, 4.

 _Exhale_ , 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

 _Inhale_ \--

"Hello?" comes Makoto's voice.

 _Only the difficult inspires the noble-hearted._ Nagisa is beaming in front of him. "Good afternoon, Makoto-senpai."

"Rei!" Makoto exclaims brightly (and a thousand butterflies burst into being in Rei's heart of hearts). "I was just about to call _you!_ What's up?"

The air rushes out of Rei's lungs. "To-- to call me?" he stammers.

"Yeah! I've missed you a lot." 

The tangible warmth in Makoto's voice seems to rush through Rei's bones like he's sinking into a warm bath. "I've missed you, too," he says, and hopes he can convey even a fraction of his depth of feeling through those words.

He has _long_ lost count of his breathing exercise. 

He could scarcely care less.


End file.
